Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Sorry, this one is kind of emo.

I don't understand this habit I have of INTENTIONALLY keeping people in my life who long ago should have been allowed to drift away naturally. In part, I blame the internet for convincing me that because, for example, I am facebook friends with someone or they are on my IM list, I still have a reason to talk to them. Even if you block someone on facebook, facebook still gives you the totally open option of unblocking them, which I can't see as logical.

Mostly, however, as is characteristic of me, I blame myself. Why I would want to keep some of these people in my life is beyond my comprehension. It probably has a lot to do with my constantly thinking that I am stronger than I actually am, and being so tough on myself as to expect that I can relate to a person almost immediately as if they never hurt me, or embarrassed me, or disappointed me. I end up hating them because they continually deny me and deny me again and again and again. But I let them do it. I call them immature and crazy and all manner of things ...... but really, what does that make me? Someone who frequently ends up hating herself. Which is too bad, because I am pretty awesome.

So I am making a vow to quit making it easy for people to hurt me in the same way over and over again. I will takes hints better. I will read situations better. I will walk away from anything less than naturally spectacular more quickly. If someone really wants to get my attention, it can be 20% more difficult for them. Whatever. I'm done.

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